March 31, 2008

Humility

I am beginning a new Bible study on Humility and boy is it humbling! I've never really thought of myself as a prideful person (does that mean I am?) It's a fine line but I am pretty sure my life is full of pride. One of my biggest issues is trusting God. In an effort to control my life and distrust Him, I am manifesting a prideful nature. I always seem to think that God has so much on His plate, that He needs my help at times. I'm sure He is up there thinking, "I don't remember putting you on the payroll to control your problems." I'm sure He gets a kick out of watching me trying to take the wheel.

There is so much to take "control" over in my life. The main issue is this adoption. If I say the right thing, do the right thing, pray hard, believe even harder, then B will place her child with me. But, in reality, none of that matters. It is important to pray, its important to believe, and its important to act in a moral manner - but that will not change the outcome of this situation. God has ordained this from the beginning of time and there is nothing I can do or say to change it. Why in the world do I wake up every morning thinking I can!?

B and I had a great conversation on Sunday. She has been hurt lately and my heart breaks for her when she is broken. Like I have said before, I have really grown to love her. She is more like family than anything and I pray that she feels that way too. I hope she knows that I am not just flying in and out of her life just to benefit myself. I know that I have been put in her life for a reason. Anyway, back to humility. I was feeling alittle down today for some reason. I have a lot of things going on internally that I find hard to get out. My hormones are out of whack right now. I am hoping to breastfeed and I am on many herbs and meds to induce lactation. So, my moods are not easily controlled. Here I am not wanting to "control" the situation and bother B, so I made sure I did not get in touch with her today. I don't want to be desperate and act like a "baby starved wing nut" - a line from the movie Juno. I want her to know how excited I am but in the same sense, I don't want to act crazy!

So, in an effort to not control - I am trying to let her make the moves. I want her to call me if she needs me. I know she has so much going on with her internally that she may want to distance herself from me, I'm not sure. But, again, I have to trust the One who ordained this - the One who planned this from the beginning of time! Its soooo hard at times and I can feel like I am going crazy.

People ask me ALL the time if I am scared. To be honest, I am not exactly "scared" but I am cautious, if that makes sense. I have been down this road before but not quite this far! It has been such an exciting journey and I would not trade it for the world. I have met some incredible people on this road and I will forever be blessed. However, there is an element of worry that creeps in every once in awhile. Who can help that when you are dealing with another person's emotions, decisions, feelings, heart, etc? I have to respect the fact that B has her own mind - she can do what she wants - this is her life. It goes back to that whole trust issue. We are not to trust in man but God. He is in control. I pray earnestly that His plan is for us to have this precious little baby girl in our home.

We have prepared her nursery with the crib, cradle and all the bedding. I have so many clothes that I could open up my own Children's Store. I have been so blessed. Molly packed the baby's bag yesterday and she is getting so excited. I am more concerned with her than anyone. If this adoption does not go through, she will be devastated. We all will be devastated but I care more about her heart than my own. I am a grown woman (or I am supposed to be) and I will move on. But, she will be heartbroken. Maybe that is a bridge we will not have to cross.

I pray for B and the baby that grows inside of her every day - many times a day. I can tell that she is trying to do what is right in all areas of her life. She is connecting with people in her past that love her and that are good for her. She is making a difference in her life by getting a job and doing what is best for her and her son. Her fiance, M, is doing the same. He is job searching right now and I am so proud of him. I pray that he finds a job this week and can begin to provide for he and his family.

Pray for us as we only have 4 weeks. I can't believe we will have a baby in our home in 4 weeks or less. Its so surreal but its so exciting! Pray that I would let go and let God! Pray that I would relinguish my control and that I would trust Him with everything. Pray for B as she approaches the birth of this precious baby. Pray that she can get through this with God's strength. Pray that her faith is strengthened and that she can move on after the birth and placement of this child. Pray for everyone involved and that everyone's hearts are protected. Pray that God's love is shown throughout this entire process.

Blessings to you all!

Becca, Craig, Molly and Baby Girl Hill
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