Humility

I am beginning a new Bible study on Humility and boy is it humbling! I've never really thought of myself as a prideful person (does that mean I am?) It's a fine line but I am pretty sure my life is full of pride. One of my biggest issues is trusting God. In an effort to control my life and distrust Him, I am manifesting a prideful nature. I always seem to think that God has so much on His plate, that He needs my help at times. I'm sure He is up there thinking, "I don't remember putting you on the payroll to control your problems." I'm sure He gets a kick out of watching me trying to take the wheel.

There is so much to take "control" over in my life. The main issue is this adoption. If I say the right thing, do the right thing, pray hard, believe even harder, then B will place her child with me. But, in reality, none of that matters. It is important to pray, its important to believe, and its important to act in a moral manner - but that will not change the outcome of this situation. God has ordained this from the beginning of time and there is nothing I can do or say to change it. Why in the world do I wake up every morning thinking I can!?

B and I had a great conversation on Sunday. She has been hurt lately and my heart breaks for her when she is broken. Like I have said before, I have really grown to love her. She is more like family than anything and I pray that she feels that way too. I hope she knows that I am not just flying in and out of her life just to benefit myself. I know that I have been put in her life for a reason. Anyway, back to humility. I was feeling alittle down today for some reason. I have a lot of things going on internally that I find hard to get out. My hormones are out of whack right now. I am hoping to breastfeed and I am on many herbs and meds to induce lactation. So, my moods are not easily controlled. Here I am not wanting to "control" the situation and bother B, so I made sure I did not get in touch with her today. I don't want to be desperate and act like a "baby starved wing nut" - a line from the movie Juno. I want her to know how excited I am but in the same sense, I don't want to act crazy!

So, in an effort to not control - I am trying to let her make the moves. I want her to call me if she needs me. I know she has so much going on with her internally that she may want to distance herself from me, I'm not sure. But, again, I have to trust the One who ordained this - the One who planned this from the beginning of time! Its soooo hard at times and I can feel like I am going crazy.

People ask me ALL the time if I am scared. To be honest, I am not exactly "scared" but I am cautious, if that makes sense. I have been down this road before but not quite this far! It has been such an exciting journey and I would not trade it for the world. I have met some incredible people on this road and I will forever be blessed. However, there is an element of worry that creeps in every once in awhile. Who can help that when you are dealing with another person's emotions, decisions, feelings, heart, etc? I have to respect the fact that B has her own mind - she can do what she wants - this is her life. It goes back to that whole trust issue. We are not to trust in man but God. He is in control. I pray earnestly that His plan is for us to have this precious little baby girl in our home.

We have prepared her nursery with the crib, cradle and all the bedding. I have so many clothes that I could open up my own Children's Store. I have been so blessed. Molly packed the baby's bag yesterday and she is getting so excited. I am more concerned with her than anyone. If this adoption does not go through, she will be devastated. We all will be devastated but I care more about her heart than my own. I am a grown woman (or I am supposed to be) and I will move on. But, she will be heartbroken. Maybe that is a bridge we will not have to cross.

I pray for B and the baby that grows inside of her every day - many times a day. I can tell that she is trying to do what is right in all areas of her life. She is connecting with people in her past that love her and that are good for her. She is making a difference in her life by getting a job and doing what is best for her and her son. Her fiance, M, is doing the same. He is job searching right now and I am so proud of him. I pray that he finds a job this week and can begin to provide for he and his family.

Pray for us as we only have 4 weeks. I can't believe we will have a baby in our home in 4 weeks or less. Its so surreal but its so exciting! Pray that I would let go and let God! Pray that I would relinguish my control and that I would trust Him with everything. Pray for B as she approaches the birth of this precious baby. Pray that she can get through this with God's strength. Pray that her faith is strengthened and that she can move on after the birth and placement of this child. Pray for everyone involved and that everyone's hearts are protected. Pray that God's love is shown throughout this entire process.

Blessings to you all!

Becca, Craig, Molly and Baby Girl Hill

Our TV Debut...

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4 weeks and 2 days...

It supposed to be 4 weeks and 2 days until the BIG DAY! But, I have this feeling it will be alot sooner than that! B is having a contraction about every 45 minutes and feeling some pressure in her belly. The baby is not moving as much and seems to be in position for delivery. So, we'll see!

I got to keep her son yesterday! We went to Chuck E Cheese, HEB Plus, Walmart, Ice Cream, and Jason's Deli. We had the best time and then it was time to take him home. When we got there, he didn't want me to leave. So, he got his diapers, pajamas, and a change of clothes and headed to New Braunfels with us. He spent the night and was sooooo much fun. He is so cute and followed me around saying, "Becca, what you doing?" He just turned 2 but his vocabulary is like that of a 3 year old. You can really tell that B talks to him normally and not like a baby. You can also tell that she spends a lot of time with him and has taught him alot. We took him home after lunch today and he started crying when we left. I wanted to take him home but he needed to spend time with Mommy. She loves him soooo much! And, he loves her.

We are on our way to the storage unit to get more baby items. We are going to wash all the clothes, put the crib and cradle up, bring in the changing table, and get the clothes put away. I got the diaper bag out of storage too and plan on packing that tonight, just in case! You never know when we will get a call from B telling us she is on the way to the hospital.

We do have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday so if everything is okay the next few days, we'll go to it. I wonder what is on the doctor's agenda if she is dialated more! We are still thinking she is further along but we'll see.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

I have a few prayer requests...
My friend, Jamie - her dad was diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus.
My friend, Cherie - she has cancer and her lungs are not cooperating. Her oxygen level is at 80%!
My friend, Camille - she found out some devastating news about the little girl she hosted at Christmas from Ukraine.
My friends, Stephanee and Zach - they are adopting two girls from Ukraine that they hosted this past Christmas.
My friends, Laura and Brad - they are adopting from Ethiopia!!!

That's all for now!

Blessings,
Becca, Craig, Molly and Baby Girl Hill

Question of the day...

How do you get excited without being insensitive. I feel bad about something I told B today. I got so excited that my friend, Devin, gave me some little baby clothes and I mentioned it to her. I am now afraid that I was being insensitive. I want her to feel my excitement so she knows that I will love and care for her little girl as much as humanly possible. But, how do I relay that excitement and still be sensitive to her struggle with letting go? I have grown to love B so much and I would never intentionally be insensitive to her or her feelings. So, if you have any ideas, please let me know. The last thing I want to do is trample on her feelings during all of this. My goodness, she is making the largest sacrifice of her life! She is giving me her child to love, cherish, and take care of. B is my first priority. I feel that God put her in my life for a reason and its not just to adopt her child, its to love her. I am just trying to make sure I am in check with everything.

Thanks in advance for the advice....

Becca

Nothing new today....

I've received many phone calls and emails checking on B's progress. Nothing new as of today but that could change at any moment. I still feel like she is further along than the doctor's are saying based on her symptoms of early labor. The baby seems bigger and acts as if she is ready to make her grand entrance. We just hope and pray she is fully developed when she comes out into this big, big world. I'm sure God is growing her just perfectly!

I am getting so very excited! People ask me all the time if I am excited and of course I am!!!! I am nervous too but not that B will change her mind. I just want to make sure I have everything ready for her arrival. My dear friends, Camille and Laura, surprised me and told me they were giving me my infant car seat! I cried! That is so incredibly sweet and now I have something to take her home in when we leave the hospital. My dream of not having a car seat is over and done.

I was thinking of outfits to bring her home in and I remembered that I have the dress I came home in from 1971! I just need to find it. The cool thing is that we will be delivered at the same hospital so that makes its extra cool. B was delivered there so that is triple the blessing. Methodist is a great place to have babies - they really know what they are doing. We got a taste of that during our hospital stay this past weekend.

I have a couple of prayer requests regarding B and her boyfriend, M. M really needs a job. He is trying to make a fresh start and really wants something where he can do something he loves, that is working on cars. I sent him some jobs over email yesterday that I found in the SA paper. I really hope something happens for him. He loves B so much and wants to take care of her. He called me yesterday and was so excited that he just sold his rims and stereo equipment. He immediately put money in the bank and I was so proud of him. Please pray that he finds a job soon.

Also, please pray for B. I know that she is struggling with how hard this is going to be. She is so certain in her decision but it does not replace the pain that is associated with placing her baby with us. I just hope and pray that she is okay. I pray that the pain will be minimal (if that is even possible). I pray that the people in her life will be sensitive to her struggle and will be there for her unconditionally. I pray that she can move on and continue to be the best little Mommy to her son. She is incredible to him and loves him sooooo much. He is a great kid! And, did I mention that he loves me :)

I appreciate all the prayers and precious emails that I am receiving from all of you. We are so excited that we can hardly stand it! Still no name set in stone. We go back and forth with all of them. I'm sure when we see her precious face, we will know what her name is to be at that time.

I'll post with more updates. We have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday so we'll possibly know more from the doctor. She is 33 weeks and 5 days today. So, we are really in the home stretch!!!

Oh - one more tiny thing - if anyone knows of someone trying to find homes for a puppy, please let me know. B really wants a puppy and I think it would be good to help her let go. Thanks so much!

Blessings to you all!
Becca, Craig, Molly and Baby Girl Hill

The rollercoaster ride called adoption....

Well, B was checked out of Antepardum on Sunday afternoon after having no other signs of labor other than being 3-4 cm dialated. So, she went home to complete bedrest. I'm not sure if she'll heed the warnings of the doctor, but we can only hope and pray.



She is not resting well and she is very uncomfortable. She is certain that she is further along than the doctors think. She delivered a full term baby last time they weighed 6 pounds. She is very small and the father is small. So, they may just have small babies :)



I was diagnosed with bronchitis last night so that explains the cough that I have had for a week. I got some really good antibiotics and I am on my way to recovery!!!!! Thank you, Lord!



We have a busy week this week with getting into the groove of things. Ballet starts again as well as Molly's school. Spring Break was good and it was nice to have a break from things. We met with the attorney today at B's house and she signed the preliminary paperwork with her intent to place the child up for adoption and chosen us as the parents. That was pretty exciting but we know that nothing is a done deal until after the official paperwork is signed and sealed.



Thanks to everyone for their encouragement and their prayers during this time!



Blessings,
Becca, Craig, Molly and Baby Girl Hill (name still to be determined)

Life on Antepardum Floor....

We received a call at 4:30 AM on March 20th from our birthmother's dear boyfriend. She was having 11 contractions an hour and in a lot of pain. He rushed her to the hospital and they immediately admitted her into Labor and Delivery. Of course, this will make our 3rd trip to the hospital in two weeks. However, this visit was different - she was there to stay. Her doctor was on call and checked her cervix - she was dialated to 4 cm! So, she wasn't going anywhere. They adminstered several different medications and finally found one to work. The contractions stopped and the cervix went down a little bit. The doctor said she will be there until the baby is born. Her original due date was April 28th but she may not make it until then.

She was moved the Antepardum floor where they have a lot of women who are high risk pregancies. Our little one is only 33 weeks but there are women there that are 24 and 27 weeks along. In fact, the 27 weeker delivered yesterday weighing in at 2 pounds 1 ounce. He'll be in NICU for a while. We also saw another little one coming in on LifeFlight in an incubator and headed straight to NICU. We are hoping and praying those little ones hang on and fight!

B was given hospital privileges, which means she can ride in the wheelchair 20 minutes a day twice a day. She is so excited! She also gets to wear her own clothes and not that gorgeous hospital gown. The food stinks though so I make frequent trips to the food court or Whataburger down the street. Life in Antepardum can be quite boring. The rooms are big but there is not a lot to do. We have many magazines, word games, cards and movies! You can only watch so much TV, which B does not do too often. We get frequent visits from friends and family!

The doctor are hoping that she atleast makes it to 34 weeks, which will be next Sunday but they are hoping even more that she makes it to 35 weeks! Two more weeks laying flat on your back - yeehaw!

Thanks everyone for the prayers! Its so exciting to think we could have a baby soon! We have not even prepared a room. And, I need a carseat to take this little one home in!

Please pray for me as I have a cough that will not go away! Its a constant tickle in my throat and I'm sure my husband is very close to throwing me to the curb. He is so tired of my cough but not as tired of it as I am!!!!!

Love and blessings,
Becca, Craig, Molly and Baby Girl Hill (name still to be decided)

Headed to the Beach!

Well, we are almost packed and ready to head out in the morning for Gulf Shores! We are so excited and think the break will keep us sane. I can't believe we have only 6 weeks before the arrival of our little one.

I had a dream last night that she arrived and I was not prepared at all. Molly and I frantically searched for a car seat for the little one and could only come up with one that was way too big. It was funny but we quickly made our way to Target to get a pretty pink one. It was the wildest dream and the baby was soooo small. I guess I am having dreams like a pregnant mom would right before the birth of their child. Who knows - but you should hear some of my dreams.

Its beautiful here today in Texas. It was 95 degrees yesterday and it felt like summer. We are anxious to get near some saltwater and soft sand for a week. Molly is really looking forward to seeing her Pop and Mia. She told us last night that it sure is more fun seeing them than just talking to them on the phone. She packed her suitcase early this morning and is waiting ever so patiently (ha ha) for tomorrow morning. I hope and pray that Pop and Mia are ready for us to take over the condo with our bag full of Barbies and babydolls.

Nothing new on the adoption front. We are just waiting patiently. We view the ultrasound pics quite often. We seem more like bragging grandparents showing them to everyone we know! Its funny to see people's faces when they try to determine how to actually read the ultrasound pics.

Well, I hope that each of you have a wonderful and blessed Easter. May we all remember what was done for us on that day many years ago. Hallelujah that He is Risen!

Ultrasound...

Well, we saw and heard her today! She is so stinkin cute! I mean, I know its just an ultrasound and I am alittle bias but come on - you can see alot in those things! She looks great in Black and White.

Our precious little birthmom is so cute too. We had a couple of "false labors" this weekend. It first started on Friday afternoon with contractions and a trip to Labor and Delivery. After spending a couple of hours in the hospital, they sent her home. Then, on Sunday, she thought her water broke but after another trip to the hospital, they assured her it was nothing but told her to come back if she felt anything else. She is only 31 weeks along so we want this precious baby girl to stay in her tummy for atleast 4 more weeks.

When we saw her today, she was completely stretched out and relaxed. I think she was even sleeping. Her lips were puckered as if she were blowing kisses. Again, it was too cute!

We remain guarded but so excited. Our birthmom asked if I felt this little girl was mine and I said "Of course!" I do mean that but I don't want to seem desperate, you know? I do feel like she is mine and I have seen excitement in Craig like I did when we were headed to Ukraine to get Molly. So, I am trusting that God has prepared our hearts for what is to come. We continue to pray for His will to be done, not ours.

Molly has picked out some names of our little one....

Savannah Grace
Elizabeth Jane (to be called Lizzie Jane)
Madeline Grace
Jenny Lynn (after my mom's sister that was killed at age 17)
Ariel - Molly's favorite though I am not too fond of it :) I think she had just watched "The Little Mermaid"
Emma - I know WAY too many Emmas but Molly likes it - don't think it will happen
Lauren Elizabeth

I think that is it for now. Molly's longtime favorite name is Katrina Frosting Hair Done - not sure where she came up with it but that is the name of most of her dolls.

Anyway, Mom told me to come up with a list of names and when we meet her for the first time, we will know what to call her. So, I am trusting that advice!

I will keep you updated as much as possible. We have a doctor's appointment next week but I may be out of town. I'm sure we won't know much but you can be certain that I will be hightailing it back to Texas if she goes into labor next week. Let's just pray that baby girl stays right where she is until its time to come out. Pray, pray, pray!

Blessings to you all,

B, C, M, and soon to be baby girl

7 weeks and 3 Days!!!!

I write this with a VERY cautious but excited heart. I have asked God over and over to please guard my heart (all of our hearts) in this process. We wait hopefully and patiently for the arrival of a new addition to the Hill family.

A few weeks ago, we found out that the child we hosted for Christmas, Oksana, was not available for adoption. Our hearts were devastated. We wondered why in the world God would allow a child to come to the US, melt our hearts, and then not be available. We went through many different emotions and realized that God most likely had something else much better for our lives. Our hearts broke for little Oksana but realized that she does have 5 older brothers that can take care of her once she ages out of the system. We are praying that her parents get their act together and can come get all of them from the orphanage.

Well, after our debut on the local TV station, I received a phone call from a lady in San Antonio. She and I talked for over an hour about Ukraine adoption. She and her husband are in their 40's and are beginning to think that its better just to be childless. After we talked, she apologized for taking so much of my time. I assured her that things don't happen as coincidence. A week later she called to tell me a neighbor's granddaughter was pregnant with her second child and wanted to place the baby up for adoption. She asked if I would be interested. I said of course. But, I didn't push the issue and then didn't hear from her after that day.

My friends and I traveled to Dallas in February for a mother conference and on the way home, I made the comment, "I wish a baby could just fall in my lap." Then, I got home and guess I was still on my pity party and continued to tell Craig that I was just ready for the pain to go away. He told me to be honest with myself and admit that I did desire an infant and that it was okay to desire such. I think I did cry that night and ended up crying out to God "Why can't a baby fall in my lap!"

So, the following Tuesday, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps! I talked with a friend of mine about adopting out of the foster care system and approached Craig with the idea that evening. He said, "Sure, pursue it until God shuts the door!" I was amazed! Thank you, Lord, I told myself. About an hour later, I received an email from the lady I spoke to a month prior about the neighbor's granddaughter. This young girl wanted to talk to ME! She called me an hour later and wanted to meet me the very next day. So, on February 20th, our lives changed! After looking through our adoption scrapbook of Molly, she looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said "Will you adopt my baby?" WOW, my heart sank. I wanted to jump up and down right there in the McDonald's dining room but I feared she might retract her question. I replied with "I'd love to adopt your baby," as I swallowed the lump in my throat. Then, she pulled out sonograms pictures and said "Here, these belong to you, this is going to be your baby!"

Well, our journey continues and its been an amazing experience. This little girl is a product of her environment. She didn't grow up with much of a family. Her parents were in and out of her life. She lives with some wonderful grandparents whom I have met and have grown to love. They care for her, her two sisters, and her brother. I have met everyone and they are so excited about the adoption plan. Her two younger sisters, age 9 and 11, are wonderful too! They are so sweet and told me that Grandpa insisted I adopt the two dogs, cat, and rabbit with the baby. When I went to their home on Sunday, they pulled out baby pictures galore! They are so proud of their children and grandchildren. Its been a great experience!

I went to the doctor with her today. The doctor explained to us that he wanted to schedule a C-section on April 28th! I almost fainted! That is only 7 weeks and 3 days away, I thought to myself!!! Storage - I've got to get to storage, I kept thinking! But, then part of me keeps saying "Guard your heart, its not over until that ink dries!" So, I am trying to be excited and cautious at the same time. I ask for your prayers for our family but mainly for this sweet girl! I have grown to love her so much. Craig and I may be the only thing close to parents that she will ever experience. She doesn't want much contact with us after the baby is born so we know we must be a good influence to her in this short time. I try to talk to her everyday and just ask her about life. She is very open and honest with me. I've assured her that even if she changes her mind, that I will not hate her. I told her that we would be heartbroken but that we would survive. She continues to tell me she is not going to change her mind but I know that once she sees that precious baby girl, she might. I am prepared for that as much as I can be at this point.

Please pray for a continued healthy pregnancy, pray for God's Will to be done in this process, pray for the birthfather as he sits in jail that God would soften his heart, pray for this girl's heart and her salvation, pray that Craig and I can be there for her as God would have us to be, and pray for our hearts to remain guarded. Sorry so long but I felt like writing tonight!

Blessings,
Becca