October 8, 2012

Adoptive Moms Can Be the Worse Critics!

You know, I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt.  I try to look for the good in people and I learned that from my precious grandmother, Gammy.  She was always kind in the middle of adversity and she told me to always smile and be kind.  I learned a lot more from that wise woman but I am really having to put that first advice into practice.

I have heard for years that adoption equals spiritual warfare and trust me, we've walked it, so I totally agree! Most of the opposition and judgment comes from those that have never traveled down the road of adoption and its hard to hold anyone accountable that has no idea what a rollercoaster ride it can be.  Someone wise once told me to lower my expectations of people, especially those that have never dealt with infertility or had to choose adoption to become a parent.  I learned that a long time ago and so, when I get silly comments like "Adopt and you'll get pregnant" or "How can you love a child that's not your own" or a number of other things, I let them roll off my back.  I've let those that have never experienced adoption off the hook from those ridiculous comments. 

That leads me to the other people out there - the ones that have been touched by adoption in one way or another.  Maybe you are a birth mom that made a loving choice to place your child into the empty arms of a mom longing for a child.  Maybe you have been the one adopted and know the joy of finding your forever home and the appreciation that someone would choose you to be theirs for always.  Or, maybe you are the adoptive parent that has dealt with an empty womb for years and many nights of crying yourself to sleep. Or maybe you have the calling to bring orphans into your already established biological home and don't see color or race, but just a child needing a mommy and daddy. 

If you are an adoptive mom, this is for you.  I have come in contact with MANY families in my years as an orphan advocate.  I have been blessed to be a part of many adoptions and homecomings and it always brings me so much joy when someone answers the call to care for the fatherless.  Most anyone can deliver a baby but there is just something special about adoption.  Its nothing that we do, its Christ in us.  Its because of His great love for us and that fact that He adopted us, that most of us adopt.  He deserves all the glory.  Many have a slight addiction to adoption and unfortunately, many of you get slammed for bringing "just one more" into your already chaotic home.  Trust me, I only had two when we were adopting this last time and the negative comments were overwhelming.  So, I know what its like to be asked if I'm "addicted to adoption."  Everyone adopts for different reasons and different callings and all adoption stories are different.  And, some end differently than others and some don't start at all.  But, one thing is for sure - ADOPTIVE MOMS AND DADS SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER EVER JUDGE ANOTHER ADOPTIVE PARENT!  I don't know if I made myself clear in that last sentence so let me say this again... DO NOT JUDGE!  I mean, we are called not to judge anyway but especially when it comes to someone that has walked the same road.

I was amazed at the judgment and condemnation that I received from people when we chose to disrupt our adoption.  But, like I said earlier, I can't possibly hold those responsible that have never walked my walk to understand my road.  But, if you have lived through an adoption, you know what its like to walk that road and you know the bumps and huge pot holes along the way. You know that its far from easy and with it comes overwhelming pains - much stronger than any labor pain out there.  You know you will hit roadblocks and sometimes you hit a flat out brick wall.  You pick yourself up, gain strength from the One who has called you to this and you move on.  But, like I said earlier, some stories never begin and some stories end in complete devastation and heartache.  That's my story.

But, if you have never walked in the shoes of someone that has had a child with severe Reactive Attachment Disorder and Oppositional Defiant Disorder, you simply don't understand.  But, if you have adopted and you've seen children in the many orphanage hallways and/or groupas, you know that the diagnosis is real.  If you have been around adoption, you know that this is a real life nightmare that so many parents and children face on a daily basis.  To pass judgment on those that are walking this road and to cast stones at the parents that fight a minute-by-minute battle with a child that has no ability to love and to bond is just plain cruel.  Who are you to judge?  What exactly would you do? Do you not know the measures parents go through to make things work?  Do you not know the embarrassment and the ridicule parents of RAD  and ODD go through daily?  Its exhausting.  Its overwhelming.  And there are days when you don't want to go on living.  Sure, there are adoptive parents out there that this is their life and they have chosen to stay right where God has them.  But, then there are adoptive parents out there that have been called by God to choose a different path for their child.  Again, who are you to judge when God calls parents to do something different than what you think they should have done?

Since we have come out with our disruption story, I have been able to help several families with the same situation.  I have been able to use the story that God has given us and be a support for those moms and dads that are at the end of their rope. It isn't a road I thought I would ever go down and I appreciate the support of my sweet friends, Shelly, Camille, Robin, Sharon, Susan and the many prayers of family and friends (too many to name).  I could never have gone through the door of disruption without them.  And, now God is turning what was evil into good and for His glory.  I am now able to help others that are desperate and to offer a glimpse of hope into a messy and ugly situation. I pray that God would use me any way HE chooses to help these families and ultimately these children.

So, this gets me back to the gist of my post.  I hope that we can all learn from this that its so important what Jesus said in Matthew 7:3 "Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye when there is a plank in your own?"  May we live that way in all walks of life.  May I learn from the persecution, condemnation and the gossip that is going on behind my back about my story.  May I offer support, prayers and love to those in hurting situations rather than judgment.  May I offer a shoulder to cry on or be a sounding board for that mother of the RAD child rather than telling others "what I would do." May I pray for the mom over the phone that has chosen to do something different rather than telling that mom "what she should do for that child." 



Be Blessed,